How I Became a Famous Novelist Overnight

When your first book is an ode to sea-dwelling bugs, you don't expect to gain the respect of the literati right away -- or, perhaps, ever. So imagine my delight when I was recently confused with the brilliant British novelist and screenplay writer Ian McEwan.

Separated at birth?

That's right. Author of the novel Saturday -- now in its fifth week on the New York Times fiction bestseller list -- as well as the acclaimed novels The Innocent, Atonement, and Eduring Love, which was made into a major motion picture. Of course, it is only a matter of time before THE SECRET LIFE OF LOBSTERS is picked up by a Hollywood studio and arrives on the silver screen. Wait, hang on, I just died laughing.

Speaking of laughter, it is the humor columnist Tom Purcell to whom I owe the honor of being confused with Ian McEwan. Mr. Purcell writes irreverent opinion pieces for The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, as well as the website Men's News Daily (motto: "Hard-hitting News with Sex Appeal"). Recently, I noticed that Mr. Purcell had penned a column back in March about Bubba. (See below for my own posts on Bubba, the hard-hitting 22-pound male lobster that captivated the world with his sex appeal.) Mr. Purcell's column was titled "Requiem for a Crustacean."

Considering the content of some of Mr. Purcell's other columns, in which he appears to share my lack of love for PeTA, I am quite confident that his column bemoaning the death of Bubba was intended as satire. Mr. Purcell goes on at some length about the immoral awfulness of eating lobsters, and then to nail his point home, takes a swipe at that well-known apologist for lobster-loving carnivores everywhere, world-famous novelist Ian McEwan -- er, me:

"I have followed the absurd argument that the way lobsters are prepared and eaten is humane. Ian McEwan argues this point in his book 'THE SECRET LIFE OF LOBSTERS: How Fishermen and Scientists Are Unraveling the Mysteries of Our Favorite Crustacean.' McEwan has the audacity to argue that lobsters are left free to crawl about -- not raised in unbearable circumstances on some crowded farm. And when they die, they do not feel much, if any, pain or suffering -- a claim allegedly validated by a recent Norwegian study."

Mr. McEwan, please accept my sincerest apologies for this unfortunate mix-up. If THE SECRET LIFE OF LOBSTERS goes on to sell an extra 100,000 copies and is made into a major motion picture, after readers everywhere (or at least in Pittsburgh) come to the belief that you wrote it, I will be sure to set aside a portion of the proceeds to treat you to a scrumptious lobster dinner. Come to think of it, I had better invite Mr. Purcell, too.

Oh, and that Norwegian study? I've registered a few reservations about it; see my post, below.